Culture shock, legal concerns haunt women

Wasti Atmodjo, The Jakarta Post, Denpasar

Beware should you fall into a relationship or get married to a foreigner. This is the gist of a book entitled Love and Shock by Hartati Wurwijaya Papafragkos, 40, which was discussed at Sidik Jari Museum in Denpasar late last week.

Expect problems, including conflicts with your in-laws, culture shock, and even legal issues Hartati, said.

The discussion was attended by local women -- including Dayang Suri, Sri Novi Sagitarini and Novie Yane -- who had gone through some of the same experiences as Hartati.

The women had met their husbands mostly through the Internet. Through cyber communication the women decided to marry -- but without the benefit of a pre-marital agreement or an understanding of the backgrounds of their husbands, including their families and places of origin.

The best result would have been a legitimate and lawful marriage, Dayang said. However, many women found themselves in a "contract marriage" or "just friends" during the men's stay in the country.

Frankly speaking, Novie said, love didn't play a big role in the relationships, although fun and money may have. The most traumatic for her, she said, was when she was "estranged" by her husband without compensation.

The four women thought that, because tourist numbers were up, other women probably had the same experiences.

"We meet a lot of mixed couples -- between local women and foreign tourists in Bali -- on the beach, hotels and other locations.

"The women are mostly still young and can easily fall victim to sex crimes," Hartati said.

"Some might have good luck, but many others will end up with culture shock and severe stress."

Hartati invited all parties to be watchful. Beyond vigilance of parents and families, the community and government needed to educate on the disadvantages of mixed marriages, she said.

Hartati and Dayang called for the government not to focus exclusively on how to attract more foreign exchange and taxes from tourism.

"Spend part of the revenues to protect our female citizens and daughters."

The book, published in March 2007, consists of Hartati's writing and contributions from five other women, whose husbands come from Russia, Sweden, Switzerland, Italy and the Netherlands.

Culture shock is the deepest problem faced by women who follow their husbands to another country, said Hartati, who was forced to follow her husband to Greece.

"I was forced to leave my job and become a housewife. I longed for my family, Indonesian food -- "sambal" chili sauce -- or just eating without using spoons and forks. At my husband's home, eating using spoons and forks is an obligation."

Hartati recalled that her parents-in-law spat on her when she entered her husband's house for the first time. She said she cried and complained ... until she realized that the spitting was a kind of approval -- a thumbs-up on her appearance.

"So, if you're not prepared for this, don't count on doing it by trial and error," she said.

But Hartati said she knew she was better off than some of her colleagues who ended up in legal disputes or else divorced, some without compensation or the right to raise their children.

Nearly 40 percent of mixed race marriages end in divorce, she said. It's not cheap to hire a lawyer to settle such problems, she reminded, adding that some of her colleagues had depleted all their resources this way.

With Love and Shock, Hartati hopes to both educate the public and assist women struggling in mixed marriages, as proceeds from the book will be channeled through the Melati Worldwide community forum -- an organization of housewives married to non-Indonesian husbands. The organization, based in Italy, has a membership of about 1,500 with women in many countries.

Since its April launch, 400 books have been sold, Hartati said, adding that her book would be translated into English and Japanese. -- JP